Oddities etc.

 

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

 

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

 

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."

 

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a Prime Minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 4472.

 

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

 

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

 

"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

 

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then .. let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

 

Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."

 

 

 

Bit miffed at the moment. Had to go to a funeral last Friday some distance away. Took the tent so I could stay over at a friend's house, like a few of us did. Saturday morning we went for a couple of hours walk early in the morning before we all headed off back home.

 

Came back to dismantle tents to find two of the five had been nicked - mine was one of them. Luckily, I suppose, I'd taken the cheap 2 person one for a bit more space rather than the mountain tent but still galling and quite appalled it was taken at such a time.

 

Been looking for a replacement over the weekend. I'd love to justify something like a Vango Force 10 Baltoro but it wouldn't get enough use. Cheaper end they're generally not long enough given that I'm 6ft. Something will no doubt turn up that's the right length.

 

What did amuse me with some, comparing the 2 person with the 3 person of the same make at the cheap end, that the extra width to accommodate the 3rd person was a mere 30cm or 1ft - or less - and often the 2 person was often the width of a normal single bed. Very cosy! 

 

Mind you, I've often said that, unless you need to keep the tent footprint down (so it's easier to pitch on a mountain for example or better performance), then for maximum comfort when minimum footprint is not an issue a cheaper 2 person tent is ideal for one, three for two etc. I once tested one of the ultralight single person low profile tents with minimum space. That had just enough space for me lying down plus the rucksac, it was like sleeping in a coffin.

 

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docu-drama about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present at the discussion.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "Mozart has always been my kind of guy. I would love to play him."

Willis said "Chopin has always been my favourite. I'll play him."

Segal said "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes. I'd like to play him."

Spielberg said. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnie?"

And Arnie says...

|
V


|
V


|
V


|
V


"I'll be Bach."

 

 

Removing one letter from a film title can give some surprising results. Mainly mine but thanks to Shedizens for some of the offerings presented here.

 

Desert travellers in WW2 find beer: Ice Cold in Ale

Unreasoningly jealous wife of Richard Harland unwell: Leave Her To Heave

3 men battle those arranging dinner parties: Hostbusters

Rodrigo Diaz promotes identity cards: El ID

Tolstoy writes about terrorism and police interviews: War and PACE

Vietnam veteran looks for Scottish river: The Deehunter

12 unwashed wartime prisoners sleep: The Dirty Doze

Agents J & K admire themselves in a mirror: Me In Black

Schoolgirls learn campanology: The Bells Of St Trinians

Nurse treating plane crash victim writes up treatment: The English Patent

Frank Muir and Denis Norden track down recordings belonging to the dinosaur era of broadcasting: The Lost Word

A dying gunfighter spends his last days cleaning chimneys: The Sootist

Julia Roberts sulks: Petty Woman

Australian detective arrests indigenous animals: Roocop

John Wayne plays unpleasant lawman: True Git

George Clooney can't find his compatriots: O Bother, Where Art Thou

Charles Bronson defends his network: Chato's LAN

Naval officers paint battleships: Ink The Bismarck

A movie about well matured cheese escaping: Runaway Brie

Wallace & Gromit visit South Africa: A Rand Day Out

Large earthquake in the UK: Acton In The North Atlantic

Christopher Robin has an early tea: 3.10 To Yum

Sailor arrested for a wife in every port: A Bride Too Far

Horror story about sturgeon eggs: Alfred Hitchcock's Roe

Nuclear power plant built in Scottish town: Atomic Tain

Crufts meets Babe: Best In Sow

Sid James worries about negative equity: Less This House

Arizona cop escorts prisoner in the nude: Coogan's Buff

American Indians admire US General: Cuter Of The West

Thomas Hardy escapes from Hitchcock's birds: Far From The Madding Crow

007 battles facial wrinkles: Olden Eye

Chinese cook doesn't need any assistance: Hom Alone

Docudrama about dogs in rough French towns: Hound Of The Baservilles

Mechanical plants are trying to find soil: I, Root

Carpenters go head to head and drop out one by one: Last Man Sanding

British troops defend island that wants to brew beer: Malt Story

The Marx Brothers open a bank: Money Business

Angry Jamaicans: Irates Of The Caribbean

Helen Mirren hunts for a spinster: Prim Suspect

Terror about death caused by viewing a bank videotape: The ING

Mills & Boon writer goes to Columbia for a suntan: Romancing The Tone

Confessions of a plumber: Seepless In Seattle

Rock band go on a shopping spree: Till Crazy

Young girl kills her teacher to get a fireplace: Teaching Mrs Ingle

Alfred Hitchcock makes a movie about eBay: The Bids

How to make a former PM scratch himself: The Blair Itch Project

A gardener is able to treat traumatised tools: The Hose Whisperer

Arctic scientists discover a noisy spacecraft: The Ting From The Ice

007 caught out in a game of 'Truth or Dare': You Only Lie Twice

POWs seek help from a Norse god to escape: The Woden Horse

CIA researcher rents property for a short while: Three Days Of The Condo

Japanese attacking Pearl harbour go climbing in Derbyshire instead: Tor! Tor! Tor!

Wallace & Gromit open a Chinese laundry: The Wong Trousers

A futuristic amusement park opens in Venice: Wetworld

Chef gets upset and throws things: Flightpan

007 gets a new assignment: Bring M The Head Of Alfredo Garcia

Sequel to the above: Meet M in St Louis

Dissolute barrister Sydney Carton doesn't know many precedents he can use in court: A Tale Of Two Cites

Sigourney Weaver stakes a claim to beings on another planet: Lien

Meet with the ghost of Dame Thora: Close Encounters Of The Hird Kind

U.S. weather surveyors put their foot in it: Destination Gob

Undercover corporal in Rommel's headquarters goes to parties: Five Raves To Cairo

Trials and tribulations of a baked bean manufacturer: One With The Wind

Air traffic controller has new job at a golf course: Round Control

'Dirty' Harry Callahan uses his gun as a golf club: Magnum Fore

Gallery is frequently refused planning permission: The 51st Tate

Hannibal Lecter is back: 10 Things I Ate About You

007 tries to buy chalk uplands: The Wold is Not Enough

Cops are tasked to watch a fish and chip shop: Takeout

Luke Skywalker becomes an electronic data consultant: Star Wars: Return Of The EDI

Philip Marlowe searches for a burst pipe: The Big Seep

A navy underwater demolition team change the weather: The Fogmen

Impoverished nation declares war over a loud poet: The Muse That Roared

Documentary about Prince Charles: Enemy Of The Tate

The musical version of The Birdman of Alcatraz: Jailhouse Roc

Thirty years later, the balding cast reform for: Air!

Movie rated 3 in some US States, apparently: American Pi

A cheesy musical: Seven Bries For Seven Brothers

Archeologists specialise in re-assembling crumbled ceramics: Dead Pots Society

A conceptual piece about war films: Full Meta Jacket

007 refuses to cover for a sports broadcaster: Tomorrow, Never Des

David Attenborough spies on the mating rituals of small mammals: Lie in the Undergrowth

Evil scientist plans to suffocate the world with cow farts: Mooraker

007 confesses his feelings for his boss: The Spy Who Loved M

Roger Protz tours the microbreweries of the Wild West: Ale Rider

Anthony Quinn brings IT to the Peloponnese: Zorba The Geek

Rayburn enters the era of energy shortage: A Clockwork Range

Where to keep your submarine: The Hut For Red October

The knights who say "Ni" climb a sea stack: Monty Python and the Hoy Grail

James Dean examines the futility of traditional Scottish dancing: Reel Without A Cause

Alec Guinness stars as a celebrity barrel maker: Tuns Of Glory

Noah discovers a leak: Ark Water

Ankh-Porpork's librarian gets an invitation: OOK Who's Coming To Dinner

 

You may also wish to see some mangled film titles.

 

 

I now have a broadband dongle - aka Mobile Broadband - as I've been IT support for a while now when our sole IT support is off or otherwise unavailable. Resisted forking out the dosh for it for a while as I'm either usually at home or somewhere I can borrow a connection. I'm lumbered with IT support over Christmas and New Year and a connection is not exactly possible at mum's for either the quick visit after Christmas Day or the 4 days I will be there over New Year (once we've put payrolls to bed next week of course) and I'm not travelling back home if something crops up. The chances of mum even using a computer, let alone one connected to the Internet, are two: slim and fat. Hence the dongle for the flaptop.

 

As it's only going to be used occasionally, I suppose I had a set of requirements outside the norm: PAYG, no expiry to credit, no rolling contract. Took a bit of finding one as most PAYG were "use it or lose it" which was not was I was looking for or I could have a 18 month or 24 month contract - not ideal as it'll never get used at home and most of the cost would be wasted.

 

Does mean if I visit a branch I can use my own system if I need to access the Head Office servers so I suppose it'll have another advantage as it's an added security layer - as well as checking my own email or log in to the odd website if I'm away from home for a spell, no excuse now of being unavailable :(

 

Finished up with a "TopUp And Go" that didn't expire if not used. Bit pricey at 15 quid for 1GB data transfer but was the only one I could find where the credit didn't expire if it wasn't used in a set period anda contract "use it or lose it" was out of the question. No problem installing and works well (so far!)- not that I expected I'd finish up using nearly all of the top up sorting something out on Boxing Day. No chance of a top up - shops shut and didn't bother taking my debit card with me as I wasn't expecting to buy anything. Ho hum, you win some, you lose some.

 

 

 

 

 

As DKUATB has cropped recently elsewhere a few times as an acronym, obviously standing for "Do Keep Up At The Back", I thought that you may be interested in knowing that this phrase originally appeared due to the ecclesiastical organ music that was being played in English churches, particularly in the latter parts of the 18th Century.

It came about primarily due to the efforts of the villagers of Lower Snoring and Upper Snoring trying to outdo themselves when installing new organs in their respective churches to have louder and more imposing ones than the other.

As we know, a pipe organ contains one or more sets of pipes, a wind system, and one or more keyboards. The pipes produce sound when pressurized air produced by the wind system is driven through them. Before electricity was invented some sort of mechanical device was used to operate the bellows. In the case of some churches the bellows were operated manually by a person called a "calcant".

Once the new organ was installed in the Upper Snoring church, the rector of the church in Little Snoring was not best impressed that their organ didn't sound as loud and commissioned his organist Edward Postlethwaite and his current calcant, George August. The latter, sharing the name of the current monarch was, obviously, nicknamed the King.

After much effort, an organ that was bigger and better was commissioned and installed in the church at Little Snoring. Soon, the organ at Little Snoring was soaring louder than the organ of their neighbouring village.

However, they discovered that, for some music, that their calcant George August couldn't put enough wind through the pipes operating the bellows alone and their organ was less impressive than the one at their bigger neighbouring church.

Solution was simple: install a second set of bellows and persuade George's son to operate them as and when needed.

It was about this time that The Mass in B minor (BWV 232), a musical setting (or more formally a missa tota) of the Latin Mass by Johann Sebastian Bach, was becoming popular. Although some parts of the Mass in B minor date to 1724, the whole was assembled in its present form in 1749, just before the composer's death in 1750.

The Mass in B minor was one of these pieces of music that didn't sound as loud or impressive and George's son received strict instructions as to when he was to operate the second set of bellows.

As George's son he was nicknamed "Dukie" for obvious reasons and so the instruction was
"Dukie, pump at the Bach".

 

 

 

 

Well, as we know, Petra is renowned for its rock cut architecture and lies in the Ma-an Governorate of Jordan and the walls are a fine reddish colour.

 

What is not generally known is that John Burgon had seen an artist's depiction of the city after it became known to the Western world in 1812 when Swiss explorer Johann Ludwig Burckhardt happened upon it but couldn't put all of his impressions in writing.

 

When John was struggling for the last line of his sonnet "Petra" for the Newdigate prize at Oxford, (For those unfamiliar with this, the Sir Roger Newdigate Prize is awarded to an Oxford University student for the Best Composition in English verse by an undergraduate admitted in the last 4 years), he happened on one the porters in conversation with an itinerant purveyor of wares and the porter was shaking his head and muttering.

 

Taking you back a few years now, one of the other porters at the College was a very keen gardener and had been trying to establish a new rose hybrid and was, as you can imagine, extremely ecstatic when it was recognised by Kew Gardens and was called "Red Setter".

 

A small garden at the College was dedicated with a sample of this new hybrid in the pride of place and set off with some low growing green herbs.

 

The College, obviously, had a number of gardeners. One of whom was called Arthur and a bit of dimwit and was known to all and sundry as Arthur Brain.

 

One day, an old lady presented herself at the College gates and asked if they could spare her some herbs which she would pay for. Arthur was duly summonsed being the only gardener on duty and, on asking what she was after, went to find her some thyme. Being not exactly well versed in gardening he gave her the rose.

 

Old lady of course realised it wasn't a herb and she gave the rose to a gypsy who called at her door looking for items to frame. Once framed the rose was tried to flog to the College as being the most likely source of pennies.

 

So what did the porter say to the seller that was overheard by John Burgon and gave rise to that famous line?

 

"This is a rose, Red Setter, that Arthur sold as thyme".

 

 

I came without a coat on, thanks.

 

 

I see that South Wales has had yet another hiccup with translation to Welsh from English.

 

A sign writing company asked the translation bod at Swansea Council to translate something. They got his "out of office" message in reply and assumed that it was the translation! Full story is on the BBC website here.

 

Not the first time that translations into Welsh have hit the news as they have not been, shall we say, entirely accurate on signs. Welsh cyclists have been told that they have an inflamed bladder for example and staff at a Wrexham school (North Wales this time) were described as wooden staves.

 

However, my favourite mis-translation always reminds me of the Welsh Tourist Board TV advertising where all the signs are in Welsh until the very end when a bi-lingual sign is shown with a voice over something on the lines of "and, for the less adventurous, the signs are also written in English". These Cardiff pedestrians would definitely have had an adventurous time if they spoke Welsh as the English says to look right and the Welsh is to look left!

 

 

Mae fy hofrenfad yn llawn o lyswennod. [1]

 

 

[1] A look on a famous search engine for python, hungarian and hovercraft should find the original script that included the English version or a search on the exact phrase will translate. No prizes for regular readers who should know what it means without indulging in a search!

 

 

 

Recently bought a copy of the Systrans translation software - the same prog that powers Babelfish. Whilst I was putting it through its paces (not bad actually) I put my list of films through it - English to German and back followed by French, Spanish, Portugeuse, Italian and Dutch - similar to the Lost in Translation site if you've seen http://www.tashian.com/multibabel though I did the conversions manually.

 

Whilst I can see the logic in "Adam's Rib" becoming "I Reinforce Adam" and "The Battle of Midway" becoming "The Battle of the Average Price", some of the results were quite, errm, interesting. A few results are:-

 

13 Rue Madeleine  ->  Line Of The Larva Of 13 Manners
A Man Betrayed  ->  People Put To The Jaw
Bad Boys  ->  Poor Parcels
Bambi  ->  Scatterbrains
Boiling Point  ->  Bubbling Not
Bus Stop  ->  Staff Hats Were Arrested
Catch Me If You Can  ->  The Research Obtains It To Fez, If You Might
Crash Dive  ->  Itched
Evita  ->  Avoided
Frankenstein  ->  Pierre The Franconian
From Dusk Till Dawn  ->  Trowel Cultivated Trowel
Ghost Ship  ->  Boat Of Alcohol
Happy, Texas  ->  Pleased Person Who Treats The Flags On The Roof
Holy Smoke  ->  Saint Of Tobacco
Kissed  ->  Prisoner
Navy Seals  ->  Welds Sea
Nine To Five  ->  Sung To Sleep Have Happened Five Times
No Escape  ->  The Conclusion To The Flight Of The Opinion Poll
Pillow Talk  ->  Brawl Of Sanitary Towels
Porridge  ->  It Chews
Pursued  ->  Employee
Raid On Rommel  ->  Attack With Contact Of Cheap Goods
Spies Like Us  ->  The Love Of The Joints
The Lady Vanishes  ->  The Wound Disappears
The Naked Jungle  ->  Luminous Bunches
Tombstone  ->  Financial Notice
Van Helsing  ->  Hellish Pickup Truck
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre  ->  The House Of The Hecatomb On The Scale Of The Mount Of The Collar Of Flags On The Roof

 

 

The Miserable Bastard Scale, or MBS, was originally formulated on sci.military.naval for Usenet use. In view of its naval origins, it is based on the marine version of the Beaufort Scale of wind speeds. The MBS helpfully allows the numeric classification of Miserable Bastards on newsgroups and elsewhere. 

0: Calm - Individual is dead, medicated, asleep or otherwise unconscious.

1: Sulk - Individual issues "refuse to answer that" responses when views are challenged.

2: Bristling - The hackles are up, individual takes offence easily but may still be open to listening to others at this point.

3: Grouchy - ability to interact intelligently is impaired, but this considered to be normal state of operation.

4: Sputtering - Monosyllabic, impaired receptiveness to views of others.

5: Fresh Breeze - rises to challenges and often breaks into displays of grouchiness. Expect sudden gusts.

6: Strong Breeze - Long diatribes begin to form. Angry outbursts are widespread. Conversation obscured by undirected ranting.

7: Near Gale - Rants heap up and strong language from breaking grumbles begins to be blown in incoherent streaks across the conversation. Visibility of original subject matter impaired.

8: Gale - Moderately high rant level, diatribes of greater length; Rants are blown in well-defined streaks in several well-defined directions. Visibility of original subject matter severely impaired. Personal attacks imminent.

9: Severe Gale - High rant level. Dense diatribes in multiple well-defined directions. Rants tend to break up under their own force. Speed of furious typing may result in incoherent output. Personal insults beginning to form spray. Visibility affected - Miserable Bastard probably seeing red - original subject matter barely visible.

10: Storm - very high rant level in random directions. Entire conversation affected. Refusal to acknowledge views of others. Heavy spray of personal insults and ad-hominem attacks.

11: Violent Storm - exceptionally high rant levels, insults and personal attacks on all parties, including non-participants. All comments by others sucked in and twisted out of shape.

12: Hurricane - full-blown apoplectic anger in all directions, original subject matter and train of thought long ago lost, no trace of logic or consistency in argument. Others take avoiding action until Hurricane has blown itself out through being ignored.

13: Coronary Imminent

 

 

Although the perils of software and online translators are well known to those who need to make use of them, even though they have become generally very good, there are the odd occasions where even a very basic knowledge of the translated-to language is a help. I doubt this restaurant actually has this name:

 

 

Oops!

 

 

We got a bit short of staples last week as the stationery order won't arrive until Monday. Ran out in my office on Thursday whilst matching invoices to timesheets so had to go on the scrounge. Did get some but when I came back, pretended to our admin bod (AB) that we'd totally run out.

 

AB: Did you get any?

Me: No.

AB: What are you going to do?

Me: Ask your mum to give you a needle and some thread tomorrow morning

AB: Huh?

Me: A needle and a long length of thread.

AB: Why?

Me: So you can stitch the invoices to the timesheets of course.

 

Expression on his face before he realised I was joking was absolutely priceless.

 

Sorry I've been absent for a while, a rather large dollop of RL[1] intervened. Can't talk about some of it but I can tell you about mum as she's proud of the fact that getting doddery hasn't meant she is not enjoying life.

 

It was almost the final straw in a batch of ongoing things that mum was taken into hospital after having three falls in three days - so they whipped her into hospital to find out the cause. Bit of a nightmare doing some of the visiting - leave work, straight to Birkenhead on the train, bus to the hospital, bus back then train home for 11pm, throw some food down my throat then sleep and back to work.

 

Multiple tests and 3 months later they came to the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with her over the falls other than she had got a bit unsteady over the winter - mum was on a solo walking holiday in Slovenia last Sept clocking up 6-7 miles a day so she was initially a bit devastated that it was recommended that she had a zimmer frame.

 

It is a fairly nifty zimmer - wheels, handlebars and brakes. Once she got used to it (which took about a day!) she is now terrorising the local ASDA whizzing around the aisles doing her shopping.

 

She has now been on a coach holiday (something she never thought she'd ever contemplate doing) but enjoyed herself and managed to do some walking - so much so she's booked two more coach holidays this year. Also doing some walks on the Wirral where there are no stiles.

 

In fact she's on a bit of a roll, she's now considering a walking holiday in Austria next year in an area she knows well.

 

 

I'm impressed with the way mum has bounced back and has adjusted. As my boss said, and I agree, "she's a tough old bird".

 

Does show that if you have the right attitude you can approach problems in a positive way and, at least in some circumstances, you can modify your enjoyment of things to match changed circumstances.

 

Almost as soon as mum was released, I was in hospital for a week - scrapes on my leg had got infected - I do wonder where the infection came from given I was visiting a hospital a number of days a week.

 

[1] Real Life for those unfamiliar with the abbreviation.

 

Having resurrected some alternative lyrics (down below) to "Don't cry for me Argentina" elsewhere, I was challenged to provide some alternative lyrics, with a couple of feed lines, to the hymn that starts "There is a green field far away".  

 

# There is a green Ford far away
# without a car alarm
# And my dear mum was mortified
# Who found it came to harm.

 

# We may not know, we cannot tell
# Which Chav it was who stole
# But we do know it was for use
# To nick and carry coal.

 

# He left the car on a roundabout
# It was there for many hours
# Not seen by passing motorists
# Hid by Council flowers.

 

# We tried to have it rescued
# When the Police found it
# On arrival it was not there
# It was taken by a twit.

 

# O, soddit, soddit not again
# Another nicked the motor
# We'll buy a helicopter now
# Hope they don't steal the rotor.

 

I'll get my coat again...

 

 

Well, those who followed the Fraud Prevention problem I've had (that has been ongoing since last October) will no doubt be delighted to know that for the last week or so, having been changed to a different type of bank debit card back in November, I have had absolutely no problem using the card - great, even though it took until issue 5 of the card for it to have had the desired effect.

 

Issue 1 lasted 8 days, Issue 2 did a little better at 9, Issue 3 was a non starter and Issue 4 lasted 5 days before the inevitable decline and ring to get it authorised.

 

Issue 5 seems to have done the trick though. Finally found a cheap refurbished laptop to replace the one that died before Christmas when the magic smoke escaped. it was a little more than I wanted to pay but double the spec (Dual core not a Celery, errm Celeron, and 1GB RAM not 512MB). Also comes with Vista Premium and, as I need a Vista machine (don't ask), it was worth the few extra pennies to save dual booting my main machine - that was getting to be a pain in the proverbials.

 

I have a different problem now though :(  Account balance and available balance don't update when a payment by card goes through. Well, actually they do. Both of them update and knock off the amount spent!  The day after the money goes out of the account, the available balance gets updated. Doesn't really affect me at the moment but it got me thinking.

 

A phone call to the helpline confirmed that if I wanted to book an expensive holiday for me, or me and whoever. I now need to be able to pay for it twice. The helpful bod at the other end answered a few hypotheticals - £2000.01 and a £1000 holiday. Before the day the £1000 goes out of the account then Account Balance is £2000.01 and available balance is £1001.01 so I can use my card. Day or two later the money goes out and Account Balance £1001.01 but Available Balance £0.01 and I couldn't use the card until the day after when the £0.01 will revert to the correct £1000.01 !!!

 

The alternative hypothesis was £1999.99 in the bank and £1000 holiday. Before the money actually goes out then Account Balance £1999.99 and Available Balance £999.99 all well and good so far. Day the money goes out then Actual Balance £999.99 and Available Balance £-0.01 and the helpline bod confirmed the transaction would either be reversed or I'd be hit with an unauthorised overdraft charge which I've have to ring up to get reversed.

 

What a wunch of bankers as Mrs Malaprop may have been moved to say.

 

What passes for my mind is currently boggling on all cylinders.

 

 

 

Had to buy a couple of things the other day.

 

Went into a local shop that's part of a national chain to get a ES fitting light bulb. Discovered that they've got a big display of "Christmas Essentials". Pride of place was given to a 16 pack of loo rolls - with a BOGOF (Buy One Get One Free) offer.  Either they reckon most people have 32 visitors for more than a week over Xmas or they reckon Xmas cooking is likely to give people diarrhea.

 

 

Needed a new phone. Quick shufti in the local shops left me with a choice of 5 quid for corded, 20 quid for cordless or a clearance cordless with ansaphone for 6 quid. Corded was out of the window as I'm fed up of missing calls when in the kitchen etc.

 

I suppose I'll have difficulty now in claiming I wasn't near the phone as I bought the 6 quid one and it picks up a signal even in the corner shop at the end of the road - as I discovered whilst paying for two limes and a lemon this morning as the handset was in my pocket.

 

Had a bit of a giggle setting the outgoing messages on the ansaphone. Outgoing message now says I can't pck up the call, my toaster has answered and will burn any messages onto a bit of bread and pop it up, outgoing announcement when the ansaphone is full says I can't pick up the call, my toaster has answered but it's run out of bread so call again later.

 

 

Also needed a toner cartridge for my newish Samsung printer. Probably could have sourced one for a few quid less via the 'net but I went down to Microplus in Wrexham. Didn't have one in stock but promised to find out if they could get one and email me the price before going ahead with the order. Email came though first thing following day (it was after 4.30pm when I called in!) and it was ordered on reply.

 

If you are near enough to Wrexham and needing something computery, ask Mick in Microplus rather than the local PC World. Mick is one a dying breed that'll sell you what you actually need rather than what you think you might want (unless you insist on ignoring advice I suppose) and will try and source things for you if not held in stock - my old Panasonic laser ran out of toner a long while ago & replacements were scarce, Mick eventually had to give up trying to source one but gave me the info of someone who might be able to get one for me. Customer service at its best. Microplus can be found at http://www.micropluscomputers.co.uk No connection with them other than a very satisfied customer.

 

Another company I can thoroughly recommend are Edge Technology in Flint. They recently built a machine for me, not something I'd lightly give to a third party to do, but knowing I could trust them and the Q6600 bundle was nicely priced with decent flat screen monitor as I needed both another machine here and a flat screen and there isn't enough place on my desk for another CRT it seemed a good option. They still managed to surpass my expectations of getting all the driver and OS disks plus manuals as standard as they all provided every bit of paper that came with the separate bits and presented it in the box that the motherboard was in. Needless to say, it worked straight out of the box.

 

 

Somewhere in California recently, a bear crossing a road bridge was scared by passing traffic, dived over the rails and got stuck on one of the bridge supports. There's pictures of the rescue here:

 

 

The reference to bears reminds me of something that happened in the Czech Republic....

 

Kazimir Horacek, who lived in an old town in the south of the country called Ceske Budejovice, helped an American professor by the name of Nelson Anderson a number of years previously in translating some books written in an older form of his own language, and quite naturally, having been told he would receive a fee expected to get paid at the end of it.

As the way of professorial research grants go, however, funds had dried up and Nelson was unable to find funds to pay Kazimir and, not to put too fine a point on it, had to prevaricate about the ever increasing delay in sending over the fee.

Over the years, the two men became good friends but Kazimir still kept reminding Nelson of this fee and Nelson had to keep finding new ways of delaying, in the fond hope he would receive another grant to continue this piece of research and eventually pay the fee to his friend.

At the beginning of this month, Nelson came into a little money and, although he could still not pay Kazimir his fee, decided he had just enough money to visit his friend for the first time since their collaboration all those years ago.

Both being keen walkers, they set out the day following their reunion to go walking in the hills to the south east of the town. Kazimir was a small, slight man and Nelson was rather more robust in dimensions so they must have looked an odd pair as they followed the winding track.

Whilst they were walking and talking, Kazimir tentatively broached the question about his long standing fee and Nelson starting pondering his answer to this inevitable question.

Just then, they rounded a corner of the track they were following and walked straight into two of the largest bears either men had ever seen, and perhaps the two largest bears in the whole country.

Nelson turned tail and ran but Kazimir was not so lucky and was grabbed then swallowed whole by the larger of these two enormous bears. Nelson could hear his friend's cries for help from the innards of the bear as he fled down the track.

As it happened, he quickly met an old hunter coming up the track with a rifle and, gasping out his story, the hunter made the offer to try and kill the bears.

Spotting them in the undergrowth the hunter then vouchsafed that he only had one bullet left and wanted to know which bear he should kill.

Of course there was only one answer that could both save his friend's life and answer the question about where the long awaited fee was ...

... "The Czech's in the male".



I won't wait to put my coat on.

 

A bit ago the bank replaced my debit card. By my request as it happens as the previous one had managed to remain in a shirt pocket when the shirt went into the washing machine and was somewhat pale and wan compared to its original look. Signature had gone from the back as well.

 

New card duly arrived. The fourth use of it was with a retailer I deal with rarely (it's not particularly often I need to replace a computer peripheral and a DVD/CD burner even more rarely than not particularly often).

 

The bank decided this was a potentially fraudulent transaction and summarily blocked the card. Something I found out a little later the same day when I went to the local "hole in the wall" to get out enough cash for the monthly shop and fares to work for the next week and got "transaction declined".

 

Phoned the bank, went through all the security bits, assured them that the transction was genuine etc, etc and I was promised the block on the card would be lifted. Nope.

 

That first day I spent a few minutes over 4 hours talking to the bank who kept assuring me that the block had been lifted but they'll reset the card again and I should try again. Every time I tried again I was back on the phone to the bank.

 

Eventually I managed to get some cash that day after a particularly helpful lady set a special marker. Less helpful that she told me that taking an agreed amount out of agreed ATM would reset the card for good as, guess what, it didn't and the next time I tried to use the card I got yet another "transaction declined".

 

In the meantime it would just happen that a couple of regular debit transactions set up with the old card and replaced with the details on the new card were due to go through. Yep, they were declined.

 

The fourth round of talks with the bank finally got me a stop-gap measure - I could ring them up every time I wanted to use the card, pass the security questions and tell the amount and location. So far so good, except they asked exactly the same security questions each time.

 

Can you just imagine standing in the queue of the local supermarket and giving out my account number, sort code and answers to the security questions in hearing distance of all and sundry and then asking to lift the ban on the card whilst I spent x pounds at location y. Not exactly a fraud prevention measure.

 

I have eventually managed to get the bank to honour the monthly payments going out on roughly the same day each month to the same two companies but I'm still stuck with phoning each time to get cash out of my account. Hmmm. Actually they didn't pay out so I'm still stuck.

 

Apparently I can see the Manager at the branch where the account was opened (day off work as it's a rural branch and not open Saturday) but I have to provide, as one of the forms of ID, a passport less than 2 years old. I could go anywhere in the world for a holiday of a week or two on a 7 year old passort and still be allowed back in the UK but it's not good enough for the bank.

 

Go to another UK bank? No can do. Tried two so far so I could ditch this lot. Application declined as "there are security markers on your current bank account". Of course there are, my own bank is being a total prannock making me jump through hoops to get at my own money.

 

Whilst I do applaud the bank for taking action in temporarily stopping the card when they thought that there might be a fraudulent transaction, I am thoroughly unimpressed with the hoops to be jumped through to try and get it re-instated.

 

The bank have credited me with 50 quid compensation for the hassle. I reckon that'll just about pay for the phone calls for the next three years at this rate.

 

Edit 21st Oct: Having now spoken to a very helpful lady in Fraud Prevention, my card is working properly again. Yippee!

Edit 22nd Oct: Me: Oh no it's not.

Edit 23rd Oct: Bank: Oh yes it is.

Edit 24th Oct: Me: Oh no it's not.

Edit 29th Oct: finally, finally, all is well (until the next time probably). The Internet bill I've been trying to pay for weeks has now gone through. 

Edit 2nd Nov: Next time arrived as I tried to pay my Council Tax which bounced as did the cheque to the Passport Office for the renewal of my passport. Ho hum. Call the bank, there's now a 60 quid a day limit on my account for all transactions, not just via the card, as a fraud prevention measure. Didn't have an answer to my pointed comment about the standing order for the rent that they paid out the same day that was precisely 5 times their imposed daily limit.

Edit 3rd Nov: After another round of muttering to Complaints. Apparently they are now going to give me a different card and lift the bar on the account when I tell them I've received it. Watch this space.

 

 

20 months on in dealing with dad's very straightforward will we thought we might be getting somewhere with the solicitors executing it as both my sister Gill and I have been bouncing them off the ceiling for 3 of the last 4 months and they're actually doing summat about it now.

 

Another month on, so now up to month 21, nowt else has happened except for someone at the solicitors with the IQ of a duvet sending out the most ludicrous, insensitive, stupid, moronic, imbecilic, thoughtless letter possible.

 

The letter was addressed to dad asking him if he would consider updating his will as his circumstances are likely to have changed in the time since he made the previous one.

 

Gill and I have both told the solicitors we thought the letter utterly disgraceful, plus other assorted phrases.

 

Never known my sister to be speechless before but it was about 3 minutes before she could say anything when she was told about the letter. Took me a couple of minutes before I could even say "What?" when I read it.

 

The eruption of Krakatoan proportions on the Wirral on Friday was me talking to the solicitors.

 

Mum had a piss poor apology letter and 20 quids worth of M&S vouchers on Saturday. Mum was livid and very upset when she read the original letter. Just livid with the so called letter of apology which looks like it was written by someone with the IQ of a duvet with a lower TOG rating. Translates to "we shouldn't have sent it but it happened and here's 20 quids worth of vouchers to stop you complaining further".

 

Mum was going to bin both letters but as I was up there Friday anyway I persuaded mum to give them to me so that, when we add it to the formal complaint we are going to issue when everything is done and the bill is presented, we have a bit more written evidence of utter incompetence.

 

What passes for my mind is still boggling at the letter and, three days later, I've calmed down enough that I am now merely seething about the content.